Survivor's Remorse
by Spoderman
Summary: Ellie torn apart by all she's seen and been through and begins to feel an attraction to Joel who has been protecting her since the beginning of their journey. Does Joel return the feelings?-Joel is thrust into a journey that was originally a short drop and now it's just him and Ellie. Can he keep her safe or will he lose another girl? Joel and Ellie pairing. M for later stuff.
1. Moving on isn't always easy

**Hi, I apologize that these chapters may be brief but I'm new to writing and I'm trying to "Test the waters" if you will.**

(Joel)

They'd been walking for hours. Maybe it was time they settled down for the night as there isn't much day left and the sky has been letting down a steady drizzle that has soaked everything including them.

"What do you say we find somewhere to bunker down for the night?" Joel called back to Ellie who was barely keeping up and chattering from the cold. "Great, any longer out here and I'll die from pneumonia." She replied sarcastically. He chuckled and looked around.

They were well on their way to Jackson but light was fading and there was no point in staying out in the rain.

They walked up to a small blue house with most of it's windows still in tact and creaked up the stairs leading to the front porch. "Sshh." Joel put his finger to his lips and eased the door open to stick his head inside. He didn't see or hear anything. A good sign. He walked in with Ellie on his heels. There was a shuffling noise coming from upstairs, and the odd but familiar click-screeching of a clicker.

"I'll go check upstairs, you stay here." Joel whispered. "But," She tried to protest, but he put his hand up silencing her. "I'll be back." Joel turned to the staircase and walked up it's carpeted steps, once white but now a gray-brown from twenty years of accumulated dust and dirt. Up the stairs was a hallway with three doors. The first one was an empty bathroom, and the second one wasn't much of a room at all.

It looked like someone had been remodeling the room before things went bad and there was nothing in the room. It was stripped down to the floors. He moved to the third room and put his ear to the door. He could hear the clicker moving around and making that awful noise. Sounded like only one, but you could never be sure, even with all his practice.

He slowly pushed the door open and revealed the creature. Once human, now a monster with a face and head sprouting fungal cloves. Slowly he crept up to it and pulled the shiv out of his pocket.

He grabbed the clicker and jammed the shiv into the side of it's neck. It fought for a second but not long. He gently let it down to the floor and then looked around the room. "Ellie, you can come up now." Joel called. Her feet shuffled across the carpet on the stairs and in the hall as she found the room he was in. There was some tape and a couple rags on the dresser and stuffed them in his bag.

"Whoa." Ellie said, examining the dead clicker. "These things are way freakier looking up close." "Yeah, they are pretty ugly huh?" She laughed and stuck her tongue out "Yeah, but they've got nothing on you." "Haha, okay. Why don't you look around for anything we may need and I'll work on dinner." "Okay, sounds good." She said and they walked out of the room. He shut the door. They'd stay out of that room. They were only staying for the night anyway.

(Ellie)

Ellie searched the rooms upstairs while Joel went downstairs. She found a couple bottles of rubbing alcohol in the medicine cabinet in the bathroom but nothing else. She found herself thinking about what Sam asked her the night before she found him. Do the people that become infected just become prisoners in their bodies or do they go on to someplace better? Did she want to know?

As she stepped down into the living room she noticed Joel had barricaded the front and back doors and was now making a fire in the middle of the living room's hard wood floor. A chopped up chair and the fire ax he'd taken to using lay on the ground next to him. "What are you doing?" She asked him.

"Making a fire." He replied cooly. "In the middle of the floor?!" "They didn't have a fireplace."

She laughed and stepped over to the couch where he sat his bag and plopped down. "Joel." "Yes?" "Do you ever think about what happens to people who become infected? Like, to the actual people before they were infected?" she asked. "I don't know. I guess there ain't no way of knowing unless you get infected... why?" he told her.

She paused, but told him about Sam. How he had been acting strange the night before he turned. She could see that he felt guilty. It was all over his face. "I'm sorry you had to see what we saw back there, Ellie, but this is the world we live in. Things happen and you move on." "I know, I know. It just sucks." she said. He'd just gotten the fire going and he started boiling water that he found in two big storage tanks in the garage. Ellie was on the couch in deep thought and he sat down next to her.

"Listen, I know this trip has been hard, and I wish I could take back all of the awful things you've had to see, but the world is not pretty." "The world is bullshit." she said. He sighed and she watched him as he leaned over and put the rabbit meat into the boiling pot. They sat in silence for a while and soon the stew of rabbit meat and twenty year old canned veggies was complete. "Careful it's hot." he said, handing her a floral print bowl and spoon he found in the kitchen.

They ate and then she pulled out one of the books Joel had found for her and set to work. She was only a few chapters away from the end and was determined to finish before she went to sleep, but all the while her mind was on what happened at the radio tower.

(Joel)

He looked over at Ellie sitting on the couch reading. He couldn't believe he hadn't noticed before but she was obviously scarred about what happened at the radio tower. Who wouldn't be? She got attacked by her friend who'd been infected and then witnessed his brother blow his own brain out after he had to kill his little brother. She's still Ellie, cracking jokes, being an all around goof, but there was something different about her in the weeks since Sam and Henry died.

How could the world be so cruel to somebody so young, and their trip wasn't even through yet. Joel felt as though it was his fault that all this happened. He's been making mistakes this whole way through and now she's paying for it... Maybe Tommy would take her. After all finding this cure was his crusade. But he hasn't been a FireFly in a while. They should be in Jackson by tomorrow and he'll ask him. Tommy would take good care of her. _I can't lose another girl _he thought to himself.

"Ellie I think it's time we got some sleep." Joel told Ellie and they folded out the dusty hidden bed in the couch. "Listen... Ellie," Joel began but stopped short. "Yes?" "Nevermind. Goodnight." "Night" They laid back and he put his arm around her, but neither of them got much sleep.

**Please review. Tell me what I need to work on and I'll try my best.**


	2. Abandonment Issues

**Thank you to everyone who left a review on my last chapter. It gives me some pride that at least a few people liked it.**

(Joel)

Joel opened his eyes and looked around the room. Sunlight was streaming in through the tattered curtains, and he guessed it to be about 9am. He looked over to his right side where Ellie lay, still asleep. Trying to make as little movement on the mattress as possible he slid off and walked over to his pack. They didn't have much food left, a couple of old granola bars and a little bit of rabbit grabbed the granola bars and shook Ellie awake. He could tell she was still tired, so was he, but he wanted to get to Jackson City as soon as possible and there was no point in waisting daylight. "Hey, it's time to wake up." he called to her, but she grumbled still half asleep and turned away. "Ellie. Wake up!" he said tossing the granola bar onto her face.

It worked this time and Ellie popped up, eyes wide looking around. "What did you throw at me, Fucker?!" she said looking around. "Breakfast, eat up. We've got to get a move on." She picked up the granola bar and peeled off the wrapper. "How far do you think it is to Jackson City from here?" she half mumbled. "Not far, a few hour's walk, maybe." he said. He'd already eaten and was getting his bag ready to go, making shivs, preparing the first aid kit, and the like.

Behind him Ellie got off the bed and went to get her boots and was lacing them up when he turned to grab their jackets. "You ready?" he asked her. "Almost," she replied "Just let me tie my boot." He put on his jacket, which had dried overnight and held Ellie's out to her. She put it on along with her pack and they stepped out the door. The rain it seemed had continued through the night and was continuing the steady drizzle.

"Alright let's go." Joel said and they walked down the steps out into the street. His plan was to continue the route from before and follow the road right into Jackson. They marched along and even though it wasn't raining hard they were drenched in minutes. "This rain fucking sucks, but it's beautiful out here." Ellie said. The tall pines that dominated the area reached into the sky and the rain gave them a sort of mystical quality. "Yeah, it sure is." Joel replied.

They were coming around a bend with a mountain on their right and a wide fast moving river on their left. Farther up the road just dropped off and there was no way they'd be able to keep following it. "C'mon this way." Joel led Ellie down the side of the riverbank. They were approaching a large building with a wall around it. "What is this place?" Ellie asked. "A Hydroelectric power plant. We're gonna have to go through so stick close. We don't know what might be in there." He walked up to the gate and began pulling and pushing on it, trying to open it. "Joel stop. Joel stop!" Ellie called. "Huh?" and that's when he noticed them.

(Ellie)

"Don't even think about drawing your weapon, and tell the girl to drop her's." the crazy blonde bitch yelled from the top of the wall. "It's okay, Ellie." Joel said and Ellie lowered her weapon. She tried to warn Joel but was too late and now they had a bunch of guns in their faces. "What do you want?" she asked. Joel explained to her that they were just passing through, and that's when the guy came up.

"It's okay Maria, he's cool." "You know him?" she asked. "That's my goddamn brother." He opened the gate and rushed Joel for a hug. "Tommy!" Tommy looked just like a younger version of Joel with lighter hair. He welcomed Joel and Ellie inside and they found out the crazy bitch was his wife, AND the town's "mayor" so to speak. "This is Maria" Tommy said. Ellie had never seen so many people together outside of the QZ except for hunters. "Why don't you go with Maria to get something to eat." Joel told her. "But, I wanna stay with you." "No you need to eat something, go." He said giving her a stern look. "It'll be okay." Ellie glanced at Maria but accepted defeat and followed her into the building on their right while Joel and Tommy went left.

Maria explained to Ellie that they grew their own food and animals. "It's really great here, maybe you and Joel could come out to the town tonight." she said. _Fat chance_ Ellie thought. Joel would probably want to be back on the road as soon as they found out where they needed to go. "This isn't where you guys live?" Ellie asked. "Not this building, town's a little ways the opposite direction from where you came," Maria explained. "we've been trying to get the power back on around here, Tommy thinks his boys have it figured out."

The warehouse-like building that they walked into had people all over the place. Some in hardhats and looking at blueprints and others just milling around. Maria led Ellie back to the far corner of the large room "I'll see what I can find-" Maria began but was cut short. There was an explosion and two guy's busted into the place with shotguns. Maria grabbed Ellie and pulled her behind one of the desks people were working at and peaked her head over. Most of the people that were already in the building were armed and the guy's with shotguns had friends that weren't far behind.

It became a firefight and Ellie pulled out her gun and joined the shooting. She got one of bandits but another turned his shotgun at her and she ducked just before he blasted the desk she was under. She could feel and hear the pellets whoosh over her head. "Fuck." Maria stood up and fired her rife and the shot was accompanied by a shout. Ellie peeked out from over the desk. _Three more to go. We got this. _She stuck her arm out and shot one of the bandits in the stomach. He dropped to his knees and then slumped down.

At that moment Joel appeared in the doorway and shot one in the back. The last one turned to Joel and threw his weapon, having been out of bullets and raised his fist. Joel pulled his Fire ax off his back and gave it one good homerun swing right into the bandit's chest, burying the head of the ax into him. "Joel!" Ellie yelled and ran into his arms. She wrapped her arms around him "JOEL! Theseguyswithgunscameinand-" "Whoa slow down." Joel said. "Are you hurt?" "No I'm fine." Joel hugged Ellie to his chest and they followed Maria and Tommy outside.

Maria and Tommy began arguing about something. Ellie asked Joel what was up. "Later" he said. "But," "We'll talk about it later." He repeated. "Okay, later." She said. She heard them anyway. They were talking about sending her away with Tommy. No way. She'd be on her own before somebody made her someone else's problem again. She was so angry. How could Joel even think about doing that to her? She thought he was beginning to like her, but who was she kidding? She's just cargo right?

Ellie took off and stole one of the horses that was around the power plant and she rode and rode never looking back. She took a turn here, a turn there with no real sense of direction, just knowing she wanted to get away. She found an old ranch house and hitched up the horse and went inside. The house was empty so she went in and sat down in one of the rooms upstairs. He didn't want her, so now he doesn't have to worry about dumping her off on someone else.

(Joel)

Joel and Tommy found her in an old ranch house. Joel couldn't believe himself. He should have known better then to try to leave her with someone else, he just didn't want to make some mistake that ended her life. History repeats itself and he didn't want to repeat itself this time. They trotted back over to the power plant in silence. Joel glanced back to Ellie. She had her head down, eyes fixed on the back of the horse's neck. He sighed. _I hope I'm doing the right thing here, _he thought to himself.

They stopped just outside of the town. The lights had been turned back on and it almost looked like a normal town would before the infection. Joel told Ellie to return the horse she stole and hop onto his then asked Tommy "Where exactly is this Firefly base?" Tommy looked at him questioningly and then said "The University of Eastern Colorado. You know you don't have to do this Joel, we can talk about this." "Naw I think I'm alright, I don't wanna upset that wife you got. I'll keep this horse though..." He paused a moment and began to turn the horse the other way. "See you later Tommy." he said. "Wait up." Tommy called and threw Joel his pack. "It's got some stuff in it. Just take it."

They waved their goodbyes and Jackson was soon a twinkling in the distance. "Do you think we'll ever go back there?" Ellie asked. "Maybe," Joel replied. "Thanks for not leaving me with him." Ellie said and then hugged herself to his back. They made their way down the broken road on their stolen horse. Joel was so relieved. He was forgiven, so it seemed, and everything would be smooth sailing from here. He hoped.

**Please continue to leave reviews. I'm open to criticism so don't be afraid to tell me I need to work on something. Sorry again that these are so brief. I'll try to make the next chapter a little longer.  
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